staying the course

Staying the Course

December 28, 2008

A lot of things have happened since my last entry. I wished that I could say that it has all been good. But truth be known, it was a disaster. Everything that I planned went up in smoke. But let me start from the beginning.

When I decided to move to the Philippines I knew that there were going to be some challenges. Such as my size, not the fact that I am so big that I cannot move anymore, but thanks to the Gastric Bypass surgery I can move a lot easier and actually thrive physically here in the Philippines. But the constant stares, and aw gosh look. I had experienced that ten years ago the last time I was here. Many times has my friends said that you have to just add a little bit of understanding to it, since they are not use to seeing someone your size. And I do for the most part. But it’s hard… It’s hard when every time I walk out the door I am gawked at, judged and even touched. People I found are one of two things. Either too scared to talk to me or so eager to touch me. This one lady just came up to me and started rubbing my belly; I mean what’s up with that? I mean I don’t care if people are saying that I am too sensitive about that, but who in this PLANET likes to be touched by perfect strangers, especially in such a violating way. We are not talking about bumping in to me or tripping and I caught them or vise versa. This woman saw me from the distance and walked over just to rub my belly. Like I’m Buddha or something? I told the lady, listen no genie is going to come out. But the whispers and the stares, it’s like a jab. Sure the first one doesn’t hurt, it just stings. But a few hundred of those little things and you feel it. Well right now I have been taking it for over 7 months now. And I just cannot take it anymore. What I also don’t understand is the taxi drivers, they would purposely skip me because they feel that I am too big to fit in their cab, yet go over not more than 50 yards from me and pick up 6 passengers. I mean do they not know that I do not weigh more than six passengers? Or how some taxi cab drivers would ask for more money because of my weight. Yet do they ask for more money when they pick up multiple passengers? The jeepneys, forget about it.

But on a positive note, I have been loosing weight and I have been feeling better than I have in years. If it weren’t for this pesky thing called emotions than we wouldn’t have any problems. But I do…



So all of that I feel is just a small price to pay for why I am really here. Yes I am here to be a minister, and finally be on my own. Which I do enjoy, but isolation, or being on your own is highly over rated. Many have warned me not to go back home to do this, yet I put my faith in GOD that I was here for a reason. What that reason is I truly do not know. All I know is that GOD will not forsake me.

I know that GOD will never abandoned me, especially since He paid such a high price for me that letting me go will just not make any sense. But my life here has been difficult. I am blessed that GOD has given me people such as Joemar Obejas who watches out for me more than he really should. Ate Jonna Racal who is a big sister to me as she council’s me in matter such as life, and living in the Philippines. Marlissa who is another sister who keeps me honest, Pastor Allan who is my mentor in so many things in matters of being a minister here in the Philippines. Roland Isla who gives me the perspective of a fellow Filipino foreigner, raised in Canada he knows how it is like living with Filipinos and coming from a different mind set. I know that God sent these people to me as my support system, and even though these people are not related to me. They have treated me a lot kinder than my family here.

But ever since I came back from the United States I finally got in touch with the Christmas Institute group here in the southwest district. And I thought that I could see if I can be some sort of a fly on the wall, ever so often they would ask for my opinion and I would gladly give it. Being that it is nothing more than a suggestion. But after weekly meetings, and months of meetings and after setting my entire schedule and holiday plans based on this camp. Two days before the camp at Christmas Eve, that’s when I get the call saying that they don’t want me to join at all. Which broke my heart.

At that moment, I was at the Robinson’s mall taxi line waiting for a cab after buying all the things I need for my new place as well as a new back pack to go to Camp. I remember that people were a lot more irritable since it was the last night for shopping. So the line was long and people didn’t want to wait. But it’s not like they had a choice. I remember that I had my earphones on listening to some music trying to ignore all the looks, all the awes and oh my looks. Then I get a text from Allan saying that we need to talk about C.I. and that it can only be done in person. At that point I knew what it was about. I mean it fit with all the things that have been happening lately. At that point a volcano inside of me started to awaken. This has been boiling under the surface for some time now, and I could start feeling that I was loosing control. My head started filling with thoughts that are violent. So I started praying, praying hard I did. I begged GOD to calm me down as I relinquish any and all control I had left to Him. And at that moment God said to go home. And then a wave of peace quenched the fire that was burning in my heart.

So now I just wait… I just hope I can hang on and stay the course. Again I cling on this verse as I cling on to GOD.

Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be Strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”