lonely Christmas

I tried with everything to keep myself from being extremely lonely this Christmas season. I made plans, I made back up plans, and even back up for my back up plans. But in the end all of them went down the toilet.

I was suppose to attend Christmas Institute (C.I) here in the Philippines. For about 15 years now I have been involved with this camp for about 15 years now. Ever since I was a kid I thank God that I was brought to that camp and my life has never been the same since. But CI was founded in the Philippines. So when the call of the LORD came saying go to the Philippines, I went. Excited, I knew that this would be a rare opportunity to see first hand the camp organization that started our own little group. I wanted to see how they do things, and how different it is from how we do things, and of course how things are done the same? Can two groups who grew into a successful avenue for young Christian to get to know the Lord and their fellow Christians be different or how much is it the same as they both developed in different sides of the ocean.

At first I was excited to just be a fly on the wall. And when they would ask me for my opinion I gladly gave it. Reassuring them that my role is nothing more than an observer. I know that there will be differences but I think that these differences doesn't mean that one is better than the other. All it just means is that it is different. When I was asked to join the camp I was thrilled to know that i would get to see the fruits of all their hard work. And as I start to plan out my holiday season. CI was going to be a big part of those plans as it has been for 15 years.

But on December 24, 2008, just two days before CI I get a text message from a friend a fellow minister Pastor Allan saying that we need to talk. And at that moment I knew what this was about. And the anger started to boil. I was fast approaching loosing control. And control is something I have been having a hard time with as of lately. So I started to pray, and pray hard. That's when the peace and calm that only GOD can provide came over me and said, "GO HOME" and so I am.

Now I have about two months left in my program at PCU (Philippine Christian University) and I know that in a marathon the last mile is always the hardest. So I decided to finish it out. But I will be trying to find ways to alter that plan. If I can do this via email or internet I will. Just so I can leave this country already.

I just don't feel like I belong here anymore. I never really did. My family doesn't want me around, and no matter where I go I have people staring at me as if I was some sort of circus freak. And it was sad to know that no one cared enough to see how I was doing on Christmas. Except for my friend Joemar. Joemar has always been there for me and he is the one of a few people that is a beacon of hope for me here. But unfortunately it is no longer enough.

So my plan is to leave ASAP and find out if I should even come back...