staying the course

Staying the Course

December 28, 2008

A lot of things have happened since my last entry. I wished that I could say that it has all been good. But truth be known, it was a disaster. Everything that I planned went up in smoke. But let me start from the beginning.

When I decided to move to the Philippines I knew that there were going to be some challenges. Such as my size, not the fact that I am so big that I cannot move anymore, but thanks to the Gastric Bypass surgery I can move a lot easier and actually thrive physically here in the Philippines. But the constant stares, and aw gosh look. I had experienced that ten years ago the last time I was here. Many times has my friends said that you have to just add a little bit of understanding to it, since they are not use to seeing someone your size. And I do for the most part. But it’s hard… It’s hard when every time I walk out the door I am gawked at, judged and even touched. People I found are one of two things. Either too scared to talk to me or so eager to touch me. This one lady just came up to me and started rubbing my belly; I mean what’s up with that? I mean I don’t care if people are saying that I am too sensitive about that, but who in this PLANET likes to be touched by perfect strangers, especially in such a violating way. We are not talking about bumping in to me or tripping and I caught them or vise versa. This woman saw me from the distance and walked over just to rub my belly. Like I’m Buddha or something? I told the lady, listen no genie is going to come out. But the whispers and the stares, it’s like a jab. Sure the first one doesn’t hurt, it just stings. But a few hundred of those little things and you feel it. Well right now I have been taking it for over 7 months now. And I just cannot take it anymore. What I also don’t understand is the taxi drivers, they would purposely skip me because they feel that I am too big to fit in their cab, yet go over not more than 50 yards from me and pick up 6 passengers. I mean do they not know that I do not weigh more than six passengers? Or how some taxi cab drivers would ask for more money because of my weight. Yet do they ask for more money when they pick up multiple passengers? The jeepneys, forget about it.

But on a positive note, I have been loosing weight and I have been feeling better than I have in years. If it weren’t for this pesky thing called emotions than we wouldn’t have any problems. But I do…



So all of that I feel is just a small price to pay for why I am really here. Yes I am here to be a minister, and finally be on my own. Which I do enjoy, but isolation, or being on your own is highly over rated. Many have warned me not to go back home to do this, yet I put my faith in GOD that I was here for a reason. What that reason is I truly do not know. All I know is that GOD will not forsake me.

I know that GOD will never abandoned me, especially since He paid such a high price for me that letting me go will just not make any sense. But my life here has been difficult. I am blessed that GOD has given me people such as Joemar Obejas who watches out for me more than he really should. Ate Jonna Racal who is a big sister to me as she council’s me in matter such as life, and living in the Philippines. Marlissa who is another sister who keeps me honest, Pastor Allan who is my mentor in so many things in matters of being a minister here in the Philippines. Roland Isla who gives me the perspective of a fellow Filipino foreigner, raised in Canada he knows how it is like living with Filipinos and coming from a different mind set. I know that God sent these people to me as my support system, and even though these people are not related to me. They have treated me a lot kinder than my family here.

But ever since I came back from the United States I finally got in touch with the Christmas Institute group here in the southwest district. And I thought that I could see if I can be some sort of a fly on the wall, ever so often they would ask for my opinion and I would gladly give it. Being that it is nothing more than a suggestion. But after weekly meetings, and months of meetings and after setting my entire schedule and holiday plans based on this camp. Two days before the camp at Christmas Eve, that’s when I get the call saying that they don’t want me to join at all. Which broke my heart.

At that moment, I was at the Robinson’s mall taxi line waiting for a cab after buying all the things I need for my new place as well as a new back pack to go to Camp. I remember that people were a lot more irritable since it was the last night for shopping. So the line was long and people didn’t want to wait. But it’s not like they had a choice. I remember that I had my earphones on listening to some music trying to ignore all the looks, all the awes and oh my looks. Then I get a text from Allan saying that we need to talk about C.I. and that it can only be done in person. At that point I knew what it was about. I mean it fit with all the things that have been happening lately. At that point a volcano inside of me started to awaken. This has been boiling under the surface for some time now, and I could start feeling that I was loosing control. My head started filling with thoughts that are violent. So I started praying, praying hard I did. I begged GOD to calm me down as I relinquish any and all control I had left to Him. And at that moment God said to go home. And then a wave of peace quenched the fire that was burning in my heart.

So now I just wait… I just hope I can hang on and stay the course. Again I cling on this verse as I cling on to GOD.

Deuteronomy 31:6, “Be Strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

lonely Christmas

I tried with everything to keep myself from being extremely lonely this Christmas season. I made plans, I made back up plans, and even back up for my back up plans. But in the end all of them went down the toilet.

I was suppose to attend Christmas Institute (C.I) here in the Philippines. For about 15 years now I have been involved with this camp for about 15 years now. Ever since I was a kid I thank God that I was brought to that camp and my life has never been the same since. But CI was founded in the Philippines. So when the call of the LORD came saying go to the Philippines, I went. Excited, I knew that this would be a rare opportunity to see first hand the camp organization that started our own little group. I wanted to see how they do things, and how different it is from how we do things, and of course how things are done the same? Can two groups who grew into a successful avenue for young Christian to get to know the Lord and their fellow Christians be different or how much is it the same as they both developed in different sides of the ocean.

At first I was excited to just be a fly on the wall. And when they would ask me for my opinion I gladly gave it. Reassuring them that my role is nothing more than an observer. I know that there will be differences but I think that these differences doesn't mean that one is better than the other. All it just means is that it is different. When I was asked to join the camp I was thrilled to know that i would get to see the fruits of all their hard work. And as I start to plan out my holiday season. CI was going to be a big part of those plans as it has been for 15 years.

But on December 24, 2008, just two days before CI I get a text message from a friend a fellow minister Pastor Allan saying that we need to talk. And at that moment I knew what this was about. And the anger started to boil. I was fast approaching loosing control. And control is something I have been having a hard time with as of lately. So I started to pray, and pray hard. That's when the peace and calm that only GOD can provide came over me and said, "GO HOME" and so I am.

Now I have about two months left in my program at PCU (Philippine Christian University) and I know that in a marathon the last mile is always the hardest. So I decided to finish it out. But I will be trying to find ways to alter that plan. If I can do this via email or internet I will. Just so I can leave this country already.

I just don't feel like I belong here anymore. I never really did. My family doesn't want me around, and no matter where I go I have people staring at me as if I was some sort of circus freak. And it was sad to know that no one cared enough to see how I was doing on Christmas. Except for my friend Joemar. Joemar has always been there for me and he is the one of a few people that is a beacon of hope for me here. But unfortunately it is no longer enough.

So my plan is to leave ASAP and find out if I should even come back...

Lamb and Man

I found this to be interesting. A few years ago I hear a minister speak about how Sheep is a great analogy for man. I mean how many times have Christ been compared to as a shepherd.

Luke 15

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

1Now the tax collectors and "sinners" were all gathering around to hear him. 2But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."
3Then Jesus told them this parable: 4"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' 7I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

"All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats." - Matthew 25:32

But what made me realize how true this analogy was till I heard this speaker talk about how a shepherd cares for his sheep.

First he obtains one Lamb and break it's leg. While hurt, the Lamb is cared for by the shepherd 24/7. By it's side day in day out. Until the Lamb is so use to the shepherd that once it's healed, it follows the shepherd everywhere it goes. Then the shepherd than obtains a flock of sheep, and all the while while the lamb follows the shepherd, the rest of the flock follows the lamb.

Christ is that LAMB and GOD is the SHEPHERD. We are that lost sheep that Luke talks about. And we are the ones that are lost. But he first broke the LAMB so that we have someone to follow. Christ died on the cross for us so that we can follow HIM. Great is our GOD indeed...

A Roller Coaster Ride we Called LiFE

A Roller Coaster Couldn’t Explain this Ride
December 20, 2008

So I am preparing to leave P. J. Mansion and move to a more economically friendly apartment. It is this small studio apartment not to far from here and not to far from school either. The best part about it is that it is only 6,000 PhP a month instead of 11,000 PhP. Which I know will greatly help my mother and her budget. Allan was kind enough to help me find this place and I put down a deposit as of yesterday.

Yesterday I didn’t want to go to the place by myself so I invited my friend Joemar to come a long with me. It was a nice walk from P.J to the new place. We even got a little lost, but I was so proud that I walked to whole thing. YAY, also double yay that I have someplace to go after my contract is done here.

Then since Joemar is my first friend here in the Philippines, and plus how helpful he has to me through out everything, from helping me move into P.J Mansion to helping me move out. So I wanted to express my appreciation for all that he has done for me. Plus since I have those HOLIDAY massage tickets I wanted to take my friend to a session. All in all it was awesome.

Then after wards we went got something to eat at this all you can eat buffet. But that’s when the bad news came. Joemar’s sister has been diagonosed with Lukemia and Hepatitis. Joemar was of course distraught. I tried to be there for him and I am praying for his sister and his family through this ordeal.

So with all these ups and downs... Someone tell me where to throw up in this roller coaster...

GOD's gentle reminder

Okay so this week it was a lot of do nothing and just sit and have quiet time with the LORD. I have been struggling where that line is for Pastors. For this is what I was afraid of, since I have had no "formal" training in being a Minister, I do not know how to act or not to act. So last night I planned to talk to my friend Pastor Allan. But of course he was busy with the service.

But when he spoke last night he talked about JUSTICE is JESUS CHRIST. And since JESUS paid for it already and we are saved by HIS gift, it is our right to ask GOD for things. GOD has promised each and everyone of us that He will provide for all our needs. So if you believe that it is right for you to have that special someone than ask GOD for it.

God was reminding me again to just have faith...

Having Faith means to let things go...

So this is definitely different for me to post something like this where I know anyone can read it. Especially since this is linked to my facebook account. I just laugh at people in how they are so surprised that the things they posted online actually get read. Then they start whining about how they never meant to have anyone see it. Well DUMBASS, if you don't want to read it don't post it.

So in this case I do want people to read it but it is dangerous for me but I am trying new things...

So in my last post I was scheduled to preach at Mary Johnston school of nursing. My Friend Leo Serafica invited me to speak. Now as a future minister we try to speak as much as possible and if someone invites you, you go for it. So I took the invitation with open arms. The topic was on Salvation based on what Leo heard in the Bible Study I conducted with the CI team.

Now on my last post, I mentioned that I also have accepted people into calling me Pastor even though I am not officially ordained yet. But again Allan was right, being a Pastor is calling, you don't decide to be a minister. God call us to be Pastors. So if God calls me one then it's only right that others recognize that as well.

But I didn't know that GOD was about to test that resolve immediately. I met someone... Now it's not unusual for me to see beautiful women, especially here in the Philippines. In fact one just walked by... Anyway but when I saw here something happened.

Now, when people ask me why did I decide to be a minister, again it's not about me deciding it's GOD telling me what to do. And I am blessed that I have spiritually matured now that I can recognize when He is calling me or telling me what to do. It was that same voice that told me to be a minister, same voice that told me to move to the Philippines and that same voice spoke to me again.

So back to what I was talking about.

So when this person walked in, that same VOICE spoke again. And when she walked in GOD was saying this is someone special. That this person will be important to me. Basically I was attracted to her, but I was also blessed to talk to her for like 20 minutes and I was able to see her passion towards GOD. How she is struggling to find her place in the Master plan. Which through experience I have been through myself. She is also in to musicals and performances, so the longer I talk to her the more and more I am "digging" her.

So now my instincts are in full swing. Ready to go for the hunt. But that's when GOD started speaking again. He said nope, not that way. Do things my way. Which is let GOD do everything. So now I am fighting everything inside me to let go and let GOD. Now I can somewhat comprehend what Abraham and Sarah went through. How God has promised them something and all they have to do is wait. I am trying to learn from them, by interfering with GOD's plan it will only make things worse. So I am now trying to just sit back and wait for GOD's instructions.

So to have FAITH I must have FAITH...

GOD DOES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR....

In Between Things
December 6, 2008

In this journal entry I have to admit that I have gone through a lot of things that should have probably been entered a few days ago but somehow decided to wait for today. Maybe this is a culmination of the things that is transpiring, or maybe I am so tired that I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Well this week started off weird, I was suppose to be at a CI meeting on Monday at 10 AM. But for some odd reason the text that was sent to me saying the meeting has been moved to 3 PM was disregarded. My bad, but thank God Brother Allen Balang a fellow minister was kind enough to help me look for a place and not let me waste the whole day just doing nothing. He and I met at Inasal Bacolod Chicken, a nice Filipino restaurant and the food was really good and the price was awesome. Then after ward we went to look at some places for me to move to. I have found some places until the last place we looked at. This place is awesome, clean and well lighted. And out of all the places we looked at this was by far the best and the cheapest. But they are requiring a lot of paperworks. Things that I won’t be able to get, but I am leaving it to the Lord for I know He will never forsake me.

Wednesday morning Allan again invited me to join him in a fellowshipping with a bunch of elementary students in Batangas. Now when he told me about this I was so excited, but when I got there I was starting to regret the choice. I had canceled so many things I was suppose to do that day including teach a class. That morning is when Allan decided to tell me that he needed me to ride in the back. This van/truck is a beast that has really bad suspension in the back. But when we got to the resort, it was a piece of heaven. A garden of eden beautiful and serene, there were about 30 – 40 elementary aged kids there from a local school. Allan is truly a talented Pastor someone whom I can actually emulate. But during his message he was able to get those kids to cry and be grateful that they were there to worship God. They also treated us extremely well, they not only fed us but made sure that we were comfortable. The kids were awesome, and were even chearing me on when I started swimming. Oh and that was another thing, even though it was freezing we went swimming. For like 3 hours it was the best of time. After ward I got a chance to hang out with the kids and share a little bit of myself to them. Allan mentioned to them that I teach martial arts so these kids were all running up to me and asking me all sorts of martial arts questions. Which was awesome, but I had to ensure that implanted in them that fighting is bad. After wards there were curious about me and I know this will sound perverted but they won’t stop touching me. NO I DID NOT TOUCH BACK. But spending time with them was awesome and they didn’t even want us to leave. That day I decided for people to start calling me Pastor from now on. I was at first felt wrong by that, but I was there doing the work already. I just have a formality to go through. But it will get there.

Then last night I had the extreme blessed opportunity to speak at Central’s Upper Box service. I was a little worried not because I thought I was going to mess up (cause I knew I was going to so I rather not worry about it) but if my way of talking will be something they can relate too. I mean I am not sure if they can understand my jokes or even me for that matter. I know most Filipino’s can read and speak English, but because they have limited chances to practice it they have a hard time understanding me. But I went up there and did my thing, and although I can see where I can improve on things, I think I did very well. All in all I know the Lord is proud of me. It was also great that Hya and Ate Jonna was able to come and see me preach. I have been trying to share to Ate Jonna for a while now so it was awesome to see her there. Plus Hya being there, hmm I think I do hae feelings for her. But she just told me she has a boyfriend, but I don’t know until your married you are fair game right? I’ll just pray about it. But she and Ate Jonna and I went to Glorietta mall to watch Twilight, it’s an awesome movie and I hoped they had a good time.

Tomorrow night I will be speaking at Mary Johnston College of Nursing and I am excited about this. Leo has asked me to speak and I think I will really speak to some people. So I got to go and finish my sermon for tomorrow. But until then, what’s next?

Keeper of Eve

Keeper of Eve

by: Francis Thomas B. Serrano


eyes so piercing 
floods my soul

lips so plump 
drunkens my heart
heart so pure dared not break the chandelier

love so pure undeserved by me worthy for none
so my worth is protector archangel of
beauty, love, temptation, sworn knight of virtue, honor and strength


keeper of eve